Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Infertility and A Fall Photo Session

I hope you came prepared for an over dose of pictures and freckles! Despite my lack of tan and sunshine this summer, boy do those beauties stand out in these pictures- I loveeeeeeeee freckles! 


Fall is usually a really hard time of the year for me. A few years ago, I was diagnosed with unexplained female infertility. A devastating condition which means I may never be a mother. Last fall and winter, I struggled a lot with myself. My identity. Who was I now that I couldn't be the person I always dreamed of being? Extraordinary mother, loving wife, maker of a happy home. I had to say goodbye to that version of myself. I had to say goodbye to the life I had so desperately wanted because that possibility was taken away from me.

Infertility devastates your world. It is one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through and I have been through a lot. It is one of the only challenges in my life that I have ever faced and walked away questioning myself. My self worth, who I was. I've lost a lot the last few years. But I stand here today with so much more hope and purpose than I ever imaged.

Because at some point, you stand alone, looking around at the wreckage that was your world and you decide- you make the decision- that this will not be your life.

That you will not cry day after day after day anymore. That you won't waste years of your life being disappointed, angry, sad and confused. One day you make the decision to be HOPEFUL. You pick yourself up off the ground. You throw away all the snot-filled tissues. You take a shower. And you decide that this will not be your life. You decide that you have a greater purpose, a higher calling, a more important role than the one you had wanted for yourself.


You decide that as much as you thought God had turned his back on you, as much as you resented him, blamed him, or even stopped believing that he was there at all; that he IS with you. That he knows your struggle, he cries your tears, and he hopes for you when you don't have any light left in yourself. And one day, if you're lucky, you see that glimmer of hope. You see that escape from the dark, miserable hole you've dug yourself into. You see his hand reached out, waiting for you to take it. You see that his hand has been there all along, even when you turned your back to it. And you decide to trust him.


That's what I did this year. If you read over my infertility posts, like the ones herehere and here; you can see this slow shift in my life, in my perspective. From the daily struggle to get out of bed to the slow realization that this didn't have to be my life. That my circumstances didn't have to dictate my level of satisfaction in life. That my happiness, my hopefulness, the light that shines within me- it didn't have to fade away because of this heartbreak.

And this year I became so much more myself than I have ever been. There are so many moments I am thankful for, and so much hope for the future. I am content in this moment. And yet I am so excited for what may come. This fall/winter marks my fifth year of struggling with infertility. And it's the first time in 5 years that I have been happy and hopeful on the anniversary of my diagnosis. Because even if it's not what I had planned for myself, I trust that it is going to be more amazing than anything I could have thought of. That my life is going to be filled with more adventure, more life lessons, and more light and faith than I would have had without this struggle.

I can't wait to see where He takes me next. I have great plans for the next year of my life. Buying a house with my best friend, backpacking across Oregon, traveling to Arizona, getting my passport, finding an amazing church in this new city I live in. And yet none of those things bring me as much excitement as waiting to see what He has planned for me in the next year of my life. I feel so blessed to have this new outlook towards life and towards infertility. Blessed because I know I have the opportunity to be an encouraging, positive, loving voice in the IF (Infertility) community.


Thank you guys for stopping by! I hope you enjoyed this fall photo session and maybe a tad bit of my perspective on my infertility and the journey to find my faith. These gorgeous photos were taken by the amazing Jessie of Schu's shoots. (She also took pictures of me and my pooch earlier this year, here.) Jessie is such a blast to work with, we always end up laughing and having lots of fun together! After doing a fun session together last fall, I knew she'd be the gal I'd go to for this lifestyle/portrait session :) She always let's me be my playful, silly self.



I'm linking up with the Hope Engaged monthly photo shoot link party today. Check it out and think about linking up with us next month! It's always a lot of fun planning and sharing each session and checking out what the other women shared.

Most bloggers love fall. I'm so glad that this year I get to join in and fully appreciate the beauty and peacefulness of this season. What does the fall season mean for you?

xoxo, Laura

16 comments:

  1. You are seriously stunning friend! thanks for being so vulnerable with your life!!! Love these:) Happy fall, love Katie

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  2. i commend your positive attitude. it's truly inspiring.

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  3. Hi! I just came across your blog and look forward to reading more. You are beautiful and have a lot of strength which is very admirable! Thanks!

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    1. How very kind of you Jennifer. Thank you <3

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  4. Beautiful as always! BTW...I nominated you for a blog award. One of those silly little things that has questions to learn more about your fave bloggers. :)

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    1. Oh yah! I have to go check it out XD Thanks Jessah <3

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  5. Love your blog.. Ive been posting it and sharing it with my small little group of amazing women that have also been slapped in the face by the ugly side of IF.. My husband and I were blessed with our "miracle baby" almost 2 years ago. I'm now on my 6th round of fertility treatments this year and I once again have found myself searching for support blogs like yours. Thank you for posting so many moving and strengthening post.

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    1. Thank you so much Sammy, my loyal readers mean so much to me! Congratulations on your miracle baby! I wish you all the luck in the world on concieving again. You are so welcome, I plan to post more often about infertility and I hope you find support and encouragement in what I share in the future as well <3

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  6. Hi Laura! I'm starting my own blog and came across yours and felt compelled to write, a virtual hug, so to speak. I was diagnosed with unexplained infertility approx. 10 years ago. My blog is going to be a Mommy Lifestyle Blog. It's possible. It took us two painful years to have my daughter through IVF + ZIFT. I was preggers with twins but one died at 12 weeks in utero. When my daughter was 8 months old, I wound up pregnant with my son, HUGE surprise. I haven't been pregnant since. I feel blessed to have them. You need to know that it's possible. My husband did his own research and discovered a link between low body fat and infertility. I put 10 pounds on in addition to whatever the drugs put on me. It worked. When you're ready, try one more time but try gaining a bit, and IVF + ZIFT (together it worked). I know exactly how you feel, I've been there. You'll be a Mommy one day and an amazing Mommy at that!

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    1. Thank you so much for stopping by, reading and commenting. I'm so happy for you and the blessings you've had. I love an IF story that ends with a happy and healthy baby(ies.) That's what we are all fighting for in this community :) Thank you for your encouragement. I am thin with a low BMI, though I am also incredibly short and therefore pretty proportional. I have always maintained a healthy relationship with my body. I will definitately keep gaining weight in mind if I try to concieve again down the road. I have yet to find a healthy way of gaining and keeping extra weight on my body, I'll have to talk to a doctor about it :) Best of luck to you in your new mommy and blogging adventures!

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Hello gorgeous, I love reading your comments!