On Choosing the Right Path

Choosing what to do with the rest of your life is a lot of pressure. I mean, it's the rest of your life, right?

The hardest part of making a choice for me was/is figuring out if what I wanted for the rest of my life was what God wanted for the rest of my life. Sometimes we get so crazy passionate about something, it fills us with so much joy and purpose, that we feel like yes, this is it! this is what I'm meant to do. But how do we know if that's what God also wants for us? When we are filled with that passion and lust for the career or that lifestyle, it feels right! But whose to say our plan is the same one God has for us?

I get that crazy, passionate feeling about creating beautiful things + being a small business owner. But the more I dwelled on it, (I've been working from home for four months now,) the more I felt this nagging thought creeping in.... Is this really what God wants me to being everyday for the rest of my life?

It felt like nagging because my honest thought was no, this isn't His plan. It was hard for me to accept because I LOVE making beautiful things and I LOVE my businesses. This is what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. But the more I think about God's plan and what He wants for me, the more I feel like this isn't it.

So how do I find my true path?

I think God means for us to better the world. I feel that He wants me (and each of us, probably) to leave it better than it was before. The easiest way to do this is by helping individual people. I knew I wasn't passionate about ABA therapy anymore (working with Autistic children,) what I was going to school for previously. I've been feeling so burnt out from spending the last 10 years of my life working with special needs children. It was something that I started coming home from work stressed out over and after 10 years, I was questioning whether I even wanted to have kids at all, because work was affecting me so negatively.

So I started looking at things I'm passionate about that can be used to better the world. It comes back to relationships, infertility, helping people and being an encouraging voice to others who are going through these tough things. But I can do this in so many more ways than just through my blog. I can do this as a career, for the rest of my life. Bingo.

So how do you figure out what God's desire is for you? (Keep in mind that this should be something you enjoy to some degree!)

This is the formula I came up with-

Make a list of the things you love/are passionate about.
Can you help somebody doing any of the things you are passionate about?
Can you make a living doing the thing you are passionate about that also help others.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Here's how my list narrowed down.

*Things I am passionate about- relationships, paper crafting, making pretty things, being a small business owner, helping others, infertility, shelter dogs

*Which of these can you use to truly, deeply help others- relationships, paper crafting, making pretty things, being a small business owner, helping others, infertility, shelter dogs

*Which of these things that you're passionate about, that also betters the world, is something you can make a living doing- relationships, paper crafting, making pretty things, being a small business owner, helping others, infertility, shelter dogs

My list at the end looked like this- relationships, helping others, infertility. So then I needed to look at career options that use these three things.

*Career options using my previous list- Helping people with IVF as an embryologist, infertility nurse or take the counseling route as a marriage + family counselor.

*Which of these things am I qualified to do? Well, I suck at science and I'm not a huge fan of bodily fluids, so the medical careers are out. I'm left with the counseling route as a marriage + family counselor.

After dwelling on this for a while, (I mean, it took me 25 years to come up with this formula to figure out what I am really meant to do with my life, I didn't want to rush the final decision,) it started to feel more and more right. I have an Associates in Social Science (psychology,) from the last time I was in school to become an ABA therapist, so I'm already 1/3 of the way there to becoming a family + marriage counselor. (More stars aligning.) And I feel that being trained professionally in this area is an invaluable skill to have to help others and my own relationships. I also think being a licensed counselor would cultivate more opportunities to help people to the best of my ability AS a small business owner.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .

There is so much pressure to choose the right thing to do for the rest of your life; but here's the thing nobody tells you- it's okay if you choose wrong. You probably will choose wrong. When you figure it out, you make a change and you choose something better.

I am still 1,000% passionate about making beautiful things and being a small business owner. I will continue to pursue these things and do my best to make them successful. In the meantime though, I've decided to go back to school this fall and start working towards my Bachelors to be followed by my Masters degrees. It will be a crazy amount of work. Especially considering that I will still have to be working when I go back to school, but I feel like it's 100% worth if for the RIGHT career.

I'm planning on specializing in infertility and counseling those who are dealing with that. Degree wise, there is no option to specialize in infertility counseling, but I know that with my personal experience + knowledge combined with a need for this kind of counseling that it will be possible to work with those who need this specific kind of help. A lot of reproductive (IVF) clinics actually require their clients to do mandatory counseling in order to start IVF, which gives me an amazing opportunity to help those whose personal mindset + marriages have been affected by infertility.

Talk about finding your niche, aye?

I want to know if you struggled to find the career when it came to aligning what you would like to do with what God wants you to do! How did you decide? Did you ever choose a degree or career path and it ended up being the wrong one? (I know I did, the first time I was in school!)

xoxo,
Laura

Negative Pregnancy Tests

The complete and utter defeat of a negative pregnancy test. All of my IF girls can vouch- it's one of the most emotional things we can put ourselves through; month after month, seeing physical proof of our failed efforts to conceive. "Do not pass go, do not collect $200." I'm even worse at getting pregnant than I am at Monopoly (and I haven't won a game of Monopoly since I was 12 and the other 3 players gave up after an excruciating 12 hours of playing.)

Here's the thing about those negative pregnancy tests though... They don't have to result in a negative outlook. My first 3 years of infertility were so hard on me, to say I was an emotional train wreck would have been an understatement. Month after month, year after year, "You failed to get pregnant... AGAIN," the tests would mock. Do you know why they did that?

Because I let them.

 

In the last three years, I've learned a lot. I've overcome a lot. Mainly, the inability to be happy with infertility. I overcame that.

I realized that while I may not be able to make those pregnancy tests positive, there were mountains of other things in my life I could make positive. I could make my outlook and mindset positive. I could make my feeling of self-worth and esteem positive. I could make myself a positive person. I could make sure that all of the relationships I kept in my life were positive. And most of all, I learned that my life was going to be exactly what I would make of it. Infertility or not, it was my choice to have a positive or negative life. To feel joy or sadness.

It's not easy to choose positivity and joy when life (or in my case, infertility) constantly lets you down. But it is your choice to make.

So I encourage all of my IF ladies who are struggling with those negative feelings and experiences each and every month to give this a try and just see how it goes. Take a step back. Throw away the tests. Throw away the expectations you keep putting on yourself to get pregnant. Throw away those feelings of self-pity and failure. Throw the negative away!

This isn't to say I won't ever pick up another pregnancy test in my life, I am most certain that I will again one day if I decide to try to have a baby again down the road. But for now, I'm not putting that pressure on myself. If I'm a couple of weeks late (which never happens,) I can go buy a test. I don't need to keep them stockpiled in my bathroom cabinet. I don't have to deal with the anxiety that comes with taking it every month. I don't have to deal with that excruciating two minute wait afterwards. And I don't have to deal with those negative feelings that result from continually negative tests. Instead, I can walk away from the tests and the stress and the expectations and the failures. I can cultivate positivity and joy in both my life and the lives of those around me.

So that's what I did. I threw away my tests. Not only am I happier for it now, but I know that because of this break I've taken with pregnancy tests, the next time I do take a test, I will be excited to do it, not fearful.

Do you put monthly expectations on yourself? Have you ever considered taking a break from those expectations?

xoxo,
Laura

What 6 Years of Infertility Looks Like

This is what 6 years of infertility looks like:
- no more pregnancy tests around the house
- no charts or calendars tracking my cycle. In fact, I don't even mentally keep track of when my last cycle was, anymore. It just comes and goes, always. Ever reliable.
- no apps on my phone for tracking ovulation
- no more crying myself to sleep at night, or any crying at all. (Except during sad parts of movies, I'm such a sap.)
- no closet full of the most adorable baby stuff I just couldn't resist buying for "when it does happen."
- no trips to the RE
- no longer trying to conceive
- no talks about baby names with a significant other
- no talks with my best friends about raising babies together/ at the same time.
- no scheduled, monotonous or boring sex
- no more feelings of inadequacy with myself or with my contribution to relationships
- genuine happiness for others when they have good baby news
- a community of IF ladies, strong and kind, around me
- an amazing group of girlfriends who have children, who allow me to continue being a part of their lives, even in those tricky moments of being fertile with an infertile friend.
- a happy and healthy relationship
- long term goals that relate to having a successful business and a good personal life, instead of those related to marriage and having a family

To most people, 6 years of infertility looks like I've given up. On the contrary; I have more hope, happiness and love in my life than I ever did before. And those dreams of having a family and having a baby are still there.. They are just in the back of my mind, as a possibility, not a requirement I'm placing on myself. Those dreams are dreams of a possible future, way off in the distance. One I'm not worried or anxious about not fulfilling.

It might look like giving up to others... but it feels like contentment to me. What does infertility look like to you?

xoxo,
Laura

Infertility as a Christian- Dealing with Christian Shaming of a Childless Marriage

It is a commonly believed thing that the most important thing you can do as a Christian woman marry a christian man and then raise many children to be children of God together. It is a deeply rooted idea that is knitted into the church, in articles written by christian publications like Upworthy, and in the minds of many Christians.

The fact that there is a very deep and very accepted silent shaming of childrenless marriages among the Christian community is something I hadn't even realized until I read this article on infertility written by a pastor.

There is disgrace in being a Christian woman who is not able to have children. What is God punishing her for? It is silent, but oh so loud. Nobody will ever say it outright, but the moment you marry you start hearing things like "So when are you going to have children?" "Don't you know children are a blessing from God?"

I've heard those things. I've read those things. The biggest shame is self-inflicted. There is a shame you feel when you're unable to live out 'God's highest calling' for you. A shame you place on yourself when you've been given this idea your whole life that a good Christian marries and has children and you are unable to conceive. There is a shame that you feel others, often silently place on you as well.

I know this shame. It is a shame I lived with and lost my faith because of. It is a shame that I have learned to overcome when I learned to love who I am, infertility and all. And I want to tell you that this shame, the shame of infertility, is cruel and unkind and very unchristian-like. It is a shame you should not feel and don't have to feel. It is a shame other Christians don't have to feel towards a childless Christian marriage and a shame they shouldn't feel.

Regardless of everything I've heard and read that say children are God's most important work and the highest calling a Christian woman can fulfill, I know something else to be true.

I know it to be true that God is good. I know it to be true that God has a plan for everybody and not everybody's plan looks the same. I know it to be true that his grace is overflowing and his love endures forever. I know it to be true that my infertility, is part of why he loves me. Because my infertility is a part of who I am, a part of who He made me. And I know it to be true that God feels no shame for my infertility, there is only love and grace.

Once we start accepting and practicing this same love and grace towards ourselves, we will find it to be true that infertility is nothing to feel shame over. There is no shame in not having children. There is no shame in not being able to have children. There is no shame in not wanting to have children. There is beauty in every person and in every story. God sees that beauty, we should as well.

xoxo,
Laura

Infertility- The Importance of Choosing the Right Partner

Infertility is hard. With a husband, it's hard. But when your single and living with infertility it opens up a whole new dimension of problems that don't exist if you're already married and living with infertility. (I would know, I've been both married and single during this long journey.)

For example, when do you tell a potential boyfriend, spouse about your infertility? How do you tell them? How do you deal with wanting a family, and not being able to have a family, when you don't have a partner to even think about overcoming those burdens with? How do you choose the right partner? There are a lot of factors that go into choosing the right partner when you're single and have infertility.

For me, even when I was single (not dating) it burdened me to think about all of these things. I got lucky in finding love with my best friend because he already knew my story. I didn't have to tell him. Though, surely we had to talk about it once we started talking about dating. Did we both want kids? How far were we each willing to go to have a family (are both of you on the same page about IVF, adoption, not having children, and other choices you may be faced with?)

Though we don't talk about children often (we will do the whole marriage thing before we make any real decisions,) it is something that I bring up on occasion. The last week has been one of those occasions, constantly. "Hey, hunny, you should give me a baby. That way I can put it in a cute little snow suit and we can have such fun during the winter." "Hey, babe. we should have lots of cute little kids. A whole bunch of them."

Usually his response is something funny like "Hunny, keeping kids in snowsuits would make it awfully hard to change their diapers when needed." Something that lets me know that we aren't worried about having (or making) kids right now, but that one day we will try. Something reassuring that lets me know that we are in this together. We want the same things and one day we will try to have those things.

These little conversations are sweet. And they let me know I'm safe. I know I've chosen the right partner. One who will be by my side if we don't have children. One who will be by my side if I want to try every single option of having a family once we are married. One who is by my side right now in the in between while we are neither married or trying. I know my heart is safe because I've chosen a partner who loves me (despite all of my quirks) and is making this journey with me.

And I remember what is was like to be single. Single with infertility. I remember how important choosing the right partner is. On this journey, there are plenty of obstacles. You'll have tenfold fewer if you choose the right partner.

xoxo, Laura

Thankful For My Infertility

I know what you're thinking... "Did she just say she's THANKFUL for her infertility?" As little as two years ago, the word "thankful" would have never come out of my mouth in regards to my infertility. Today, however, it is a message that rings true to my core.

 

I can't put into words how deeply I feel the calling to be a mother. No words could ever convey just how much I want it, how much I feel like I was created for this very act. No words could ever tell you just how disappointed I sometimes often feel when I look into the eyes of my best friend, the love of my life, and there is no foreseeable future where we have children together.

I couldn't possibly tell you how deeply I feel the following desires-

• To experience pregnancy. Seeing my belly grow, suffering through whatever terrible pregnancy symptoms that reassure me that I am so blessed to be growing a tiny human inside of me.
• To create life with the person I love most in this world.
• To experience being a mother and falling so far in love with this tiny human that I created out of pure love with my significant other.
• To hear the sounds of toddler footsteps on the hardwood floors. Pitter-pattering through the house. To hear their giggles when they've been attacked with kisses and snuggles from mama or daddy.
• To spend my days raising children and letting them know just how absolutely wonderful they are and what a gift to the world they are. For my life's purpose to be just that.
• To know what it feels like to have a baby with somebody I love. The incomparable bond that forms between two people when they decide that they want to create life together. The incomparable bond that comes with seeing the love of your life become a father or a mother.

I could go on for days and days writing this list. The list of dreams unfulfilled, the list of dreams that accompany motherhood that may never be fulfilled for me. There is nothing I can do or say that would make you feel the impact of just how much I want all of those things and more in my life.

And yet, aside from all of these desires, I've found a way to make my life full of purpose and joy. Because as much as I wish I were a mother- could be a mother- will be a mother; it's not happening right now or anytime in the foreseeable future. Take away a person's deepest calling and what are you left with? You're left with a blank slate. An empty space, full of potential and possibilities. An empty space to fill up with whatever you want, if you only let yourself see beyond the vast emptiness and loneliness that currently resides there and focus on what your life can look like.

So much power lays within each person living with infertility. The power to completely rewrite your life or to continue living in misery. You get to decide if you're going to see your blank slate as an empty, lonely space where your broken dreams reside, or if you're going to see it as a new space that's full of potential. And I know how hard it is, to leave your heartbreak behind you and keep moving forward (it took me years to do this.) But it's something you can do.

So here's the things I appreciate, the chances I've taken, the passions I've pursued, the things I'm counting as blessings because of my infertility-

• Because of my infertility, I am not a single mom. As a (happily) divorced gal, I would probably be a single mom right now if we had been able to conceive during our marriage. And if I weren't a single mom, I would probably be a much less happy, less fulfilled person living in a marriage that wasn't right for either of us, simply because we did have a child together.
• Because of my infertility, I get to move across the country whenever I want. I can pick up my life and my possessions and take them wherever I desire to go. I don't have to take another person's life into account when making decisions like this. I'm able to go when I want to with much less worry about finances and other factors. And I've taken advantage of that. I've moved across the country several times and have lived in 4 different states.
• Because of my infertility I get to sleep in. Seriously, this is probably one of the things I love most in life.
• Because of my infertility, I have had the money and time to pursue creative passions. My photography business, Project Life, scrapbooking, blogging, etc.... all things I didn't explore before I started looking at my childless blank slate.
• Because of my infertility, I don't have to worry about the future as much. I can choose to indulge myself. I can go on vacations to see my family. I can invest in things I love. Because my money and my time is mine to spend.
• Because of my infertility, I am with the love of my life. And he's pretty darn awesome.
• Because of my infertility, I have had time to grow up. I have had time to become less selfish and more intentional about how I live and what I want in life.
• Because of my infertility, I have met the kindest women in the IF community. These women have a strength that radiates from within, because of their struggles. These women are some of the most amazing women I have ever known.
• Because of my infertility, I am brave. I am brave enough to create a life that doesn't involve being a mother like I had planned and wanted. And brave enough to always keep some hope alive that one day, one day I will have a baby.
• Because of my infertility, I know who I am. And I know who I am capable of being. I know how much potential I have and I am doing amazing things with my potential. I am chasing new dreams.
• Because of my infertility, I don't take my health for granted. I understand that my body doesn't have to do anything for me. And the fact that it does so much for me and serves as a safe place for my soul is amazing.
• Because of my infertility, I found God. First, I lost him. Then I came to know, love and trust him in a blind way that requires so much more faith than I ever had before.

When I take the time to count my blessings, and to count all of the amazing things that have happened in my life because of my infertility, I am so thankful. Thankful for my story. Thankful for my struggle. Thankful for my life, however infertile it may be.

And while I would trade all of these things and a thousand more in order to be a mother, I am thankful for the life I have. However childless it is, it's an amazing life because I've decided that's what it's going to be, baby or not.

xoxo,
Laura

PS. Many thanks to PoeticEdge Photography for these gorgeous new photos! 

Infertility on Mother's Day

photograph by the wonderful Erika Mills Photography

 

Happy Mother's Day to all of the beautiful women out there who are mothers. While most people are celebrating you all today (and for good reason!) I wanted to share with you a reminder of the women that people often forget about today...

 

Happy Mother's Day to all of my amazing infertility community... While they may only be mothers in their hearts, they have tried and sacrificed so much for the chance to be a mother. Extra prayers and happy thoughts for them today! One in eight people (often silently) fight the same battle I've been fighting. And please, please, please- if you know anybody who has ever miscarried, please remember that today is for them too. I know many of us celebrate the moms who are lucky enough to be holding their children tight today, but motherhood goes far beyond only those who have that blessing!

 

xoxo,

Laura

Infertility- Forgiving My Broken Body

Infertility often causes women to feel inadequate, especially when thinking about their bodies. I used to feel angry and disappointed with my body... because my body is not capable of doing the most basic thing women were created to do. If you take a look over some of my infertility posts you can see a lot of that anger and sadness in the beginning of my journey. Fortunately, this post isn't about all those ugly feelings. It's about how you can change the way you think about yourself.

I am very blessed to sit here today and confidently say that I don't feel that way about my body anymore. Through a very long journey (5 years and counting,) I have allowed myself to heal. Today I wanted to share with you one of the biggest things that have made a difference in my journey. What has allowed me to forgive my body. What has helped me feel love and respect towards myself despite my struggle with infertility.

Health Journey's Guided Meditation to Help with Fertility by Belleruth Naparstek

This cd is amazing. Friends, I can't even express to you how much this mediation can help with every part of your journey. Whether you are trying to conceive, need reassurance about your journey, or need help moving on, this is a life changer. For my personal use, I skip to the last chapter of the meditation and only listen to it, as it was the part that I needed the most help with.

Chapter 4- Helping with grief, resolution and reclaiming one's life (with or after infertility.)

Here's just a small sample of the reassuring, kind words you'll hear that help you reshape the way you think about yourself, your body and your journey. I hope you'll listen to them with an open heart...
 

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"Sending waves of kindness through your heavy heart. Soothing the torn, jagged places. Opening, warming and softening all around the pain. Sending comfort and solace deep into your heart."

"It is understood how much hurting you've done. The cycles of hoping and disappointment. The wordless ache of longing. The heaviness on your heart. The moments of self blame. Or the outrage that has felt like betrayal from your very own flesh. All that pain is understood. Heartbreakingly intense at one moment and heavy and dull the next. All of it is understood. And you can gently allow yourself to acknowledge the toll that this takes on yourself and possibly others."

"Give yourself the time you need to allow for the sorrow and rinse away the grief. Showing respect for yourself and for the depth of what you've been through."

"Your body is your oldest friend, that has been through so much with you. Your body is your most trusted companion."

"Your body can feel light with liberation as you see the new road ahead, gleaming with possibility. All of it waiting for you, for when the time is right. Just knowing that the road is there for you to take whenever you may want to take it."

"Suddenly you are certain, you know with your whole heart, your whole being, that there is a place where nothing is lost. Where all the dreams you have ever dreamed, every wish you have ever longed for, can still nourish you and complete you and give meaning to your life. Giving life to newer dreams."

"Even this pain can be a teacher, showing you something you need to know about who you are and who you're becoming. And you know that this will look different to you in time."

"The pain is permanently softened when all of this has become a part of all of the depth, the richness and the texture that is your life. Knowing in a deep place that you are better for this, and so you are."

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There is a great deal of freedom and joy that  comes from moving past your struggle, friends. I've been there. I've been through the days, weeks, months, years of crying, anger, disappointment, bitterness and heat break that is infertility. And I want you to know that it doesn't always have to be like that.

If you're interested in the Help with Infertility Meditation, I highly recommend you buy a copy for yourself. It has truly helped me to reshape the way I think about myself, my body and my journey... allowing me to move past the struggle and towards a more positive life. You can get a copy here: Health Journeys Guided Meditations Help with Fertility.

I hope you all have a lovely weekend. May it be filled with happiness, despite whatever struggles you may be facing.

xoxo,
Laura

Sending a Great IVF Care Package

Having a friend whose going through IVF can be tough. Usually, they are experiencing things that leave them feeling defeated, emotional and upset. And sometimes we don't know how to best comfort them like we want to.

The IF (infertility) community is amazing. The women I meet and get to know are such beautiful women. Trying as hard as they can to have the family they dream of. When my dear friend, Jessah of Dreaming of Dimples was going through IVF, I decided that the best way I could show my love and support towards her wasn't simply just through my words online, but in sending her a care package made just for her. She had been feeling overwhelmed, stressed out and emotional. So to brighten her day, I sent her an IVF care package.

Sending a Great IVF Care Package

The first step to sending a great package is picking a theme. Care packages that follow a theme are so thoughtful. They require you to think about colors, scents and items that would best suit the person you are sending them to. I went with a lavender scented/purple colored theme.

Items I included:

1. A card (life is a beautiful ride, enjoy it) with a long personal note inside explaining the contents of the package.
2. Lavender Epson salts for a soothing and healing bath. Seriously guys, Epson salt is amazing. Add two cups to your steaming bath, soak for 45 minutes. You sweat out toxins and impurities. It helps reduce swelling of joints, soothes aching muscles and helps bruises heal faster. And the lavender scent? Absolutely wonderful for opening your sinuses (especially if you've been crying a lot lately) and helping your mind relax and be present instead of worrying about yesterday, today and tomorrow.
3. An amazing book (Then Came You by Jennifer Weiner) I had recently read. This book was written by one of my favorite authors and was so engrossing. You really get lost in the character's stories. Plus, IVF is actually part of this book. When you relate to the characters, it helps you get lost in their world for a little while. Escape your own worries. Perfect way to spend that 45 minute bath soak.
4. Lavender-vanilla aromatherapy candle. For relaxation and destressing, again.
5. Diy jewel hair clip. To add a little sparkle to your day when you're feeling blue.
6. Peppermint chap stick. For soft lips and kissable breath. To help you reconnect with your spouse and encourage you to spend some quality time being affectionate together. Because IF/IVF is hard on a marriage/relationship and sometimes we have to remember that our relationships need as much attention as our worries. And make-out sessions have great anti-stress, happy-inducing benefits!

Could you image coming home to a package like this at the end of yet another long, worry-filled day? Just what your IVF girlfriend could use to help her relax and escape her worries for a few nights.

What would you include in a great IVF care package?
I'm always looking for more fabulous ideas!

xoxo,
Laura

Why I Won't Tell You: "You're Going to be a Great Mom."

So we're acquaintances or maybe even friends and you find out you're pregnant. Everybody's congratulating you, telling you things like "you're going to be such a great mom." Meanwhile, you hear nothing from me.

Here's why you won't:

Chances are your pregnancy isn't something I think should be celebrated. Are you in a stable, long term, committed and good relationship? Are you financially stable? Are you emotionally and mentally stable? Are you an independent adult who takes care of herself and is completely capable of taking care of another human being? Do you have health and dental insurance? Do you have a safe and comfortable home?

I could go on and on, but here's the point- if you answered "no" to any of those questions, I don't think you should be having a baby. If you can't properly care for yourself, you're not in a position to take care of a baby or child the way that baby or child deserves. Roll your eyes, get angry or defensive, insert cruel insults, whatever you like.

In my opinion, your child deserves a life more stable and happy than you're able to provide and at the end of the day, your child's quality of life is too important to me for me to go throwing out false compliments or congratulations.

Boom. It's out there. In the world. A little scary but completely honest. Real talk Monday.

xoxo,
Laura

PS. When wonderful people I know announce their pregnancies the story goes a lot differently. There's a lot of celebrating, jumping up and down, crying happy tears for them and congratulating. This approach of not congratulating a pregnancy only applies to situations in which that person isn't in a position to properly care for a child.

A Revelation About Comparison

One of my favorite bloggers, Katie, started a recent post with this quote:
"Being in your 20's is such a profound experience. For the first time in your life you are not at the same stage as everyone else your age, just traveling along, grade level by grade level."

Lately, I've been dwelling on the fact that my 20's look nothing like most of the people I grew up with. In such a way that I've been coveting some of the experiences they've had that I haven't yet (and maybe never will.) Katie's beautiful way with words completely shifted my perspective, though. And here's what I've come to realize:

"Being in your 20's is such a profound experience. For the first time in your life you are not at the same stage as everyone else your age, just traveling along, grade level by grade level." You make your own choices, you have life experiences that are unique to you alone. You end up in completely different places than your friends (old and new.) You grow up to be a different person than you imaged. You start growing up and when you look around, you notice that your life doesn't look anything like those of your peers.

And sometimes, when it seems like everybody is getting married or having children, I have to remind myself that it's OKAY. It's okay that I'm currently not engaged or married or having children. It's okay that I don't have plans to do any of those things. It's okay that I'm not having baby showers or in a successful career right now. It's okay that my life looks nothing like other 20-somethings. It's okay that I've grown apart from most of my younger life friends and only closer to a few of them.

Because the experiences that I've had instead of those ones, are experiences that will shape me into the woman I will be for the rest of my life. I'm a hard worker. I'm a dream chaser. I'm a woman who doesn't compromise on her passions and instead pursues all of them. I'm a lover. I'm a rock solid friend to those few friends I do keep very close to me. I am a seeker of adventure and change. I am an entrepreneur.

And the real thrill comes from accepting that THAT'S AMAZING. My life, just as it is right now, IS AMAZING. And so is yours. Even if it doesn't look like mine. Even if it doesn't look like your friends. Even if it doesn't look like what you imagined. So seek your thrills in whatever delights your heart. And never look at anybody else's life long enough to think for a second that you don't have just as many blessings as they do, however different those blessings may look.

Many thanks to Katie for the beautiful inspiration. Goodnight, lovelies.
xoxo,
Laura

Infertility- Sometimes I don't even want children anymore

Infertility is hard. Sometimes, in order to protect ourselves, we have to fall in love with a different life, a different future, than the one we had planned. Instead of babies, we start thinking about traveling and adventures, success and independence. Because thinking about wanting a family or starting a family is too difficult, emotionally.

In the beginning, I would be satisfied with these distracting goals and dreams for a while. But infertility always crept back. I would still have days when I would cry about it, or days when baby fever hit me like a ton of rocks. Because although a life of freedom, personal success, traveling and adventures sounds wonderful and would no doubt be wonderful, it wasn't what I truly wanted in my core being. I wanted to be a mother still. Somehow, someday.

Well, the further down this road I travel (I've known about my infertility for 5 years now,) the further I walk away from that dream life of having/wanting a family. Some days I look at Stephen and say "I am so glad I never had children before now. What would I be doing? I love sleeping in. I couldn't do that with a child." Especially when I'm at work, I feel overwhelmingly at peace with the fact that I could never get pregnant. I nanny for an amazing family with such selfless parents. I often tell the mother of the family how glad she makes me that I never had kids... because I would have been so selfish of a parent compared to her. She's such a great mother.

Most days now, not only am I okay with the fact that I haven't been able to have a baby, but I also am not thinking about having one any more. I've come to understand how hard it would be. Aside from the giggles, the cute cries, the incomparable bonding and memories.... being a mother would be such hard work. I would have to give up so much of myself- my time, my money, my space, my hobbies, my goals, other things I love. Being a mother would be an amazing gift... but it comes at a cost, as well. And the longer I struggle with infertility, the less of a struggle it becomes. The more I start to accept this reality and come to peace with it. Finding validation in my circumstances by training myself to think about how many more options I have now, because I don't/can't have a family in the foreseeable future.

And I feel okay- something that I never imagined would happen. The longer I have to wait to see having a family/a baby as a possibility, the less I want it.

And then I see my best friend, the love of my life, snuggling up with our dogs and it all comes rushing back. I want a family with him one day. Despite the fear of never getting that dream, sometimes I still have the guts to want it.

xoxo,
Laura

Infertility and A Fall Photo Session

I hope you came prepared for an over dose of pictures and freckles! Despite my lack of tan and sunshine this summer, boy do those beauties stand out in these pictures- I loveeeeeeeee freckles! 

Fall is usually a really hard time of the year for me. A few years ago, I was diagnosed with unexplained female infertility. A devastating condition which means I may never be a mother. Last fall and winter, I struggled a lot with myself. My identity. Who was I now that I couldn't be the person I always dreamed of being? Extraordinary mother, loving wife, maker of a happy home. I had to say goodbye to that version of myself. I had to say goodbye to the life I had so desperately wanted because that possibility was taken away from me.

Infertility devastates your world. It is one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through and I have been through a lot. It is one of the only challenges in my life that I have ever faced and walked away questioning myself. My self worth, who I was. I've lost a lot the last few years. But I stand here today with so much more hope and purpose than I ever imaged.

Because at some point, you stand alone, looking around at the wreckage that was your world and you decide- you make the decision- that this will not be your life.

That you will not cry day after day after day anymore. That you won't waste years of your life being disappointed, angry, sad and confused. One day you make the decision to be HOPEFUL. You pick yourself up off the ground. You throw away all the snot-filled tissues. You take a shower. And you decide that this will not be your life. You decide that you have a greater purpose, a higher calling, a more important role than the one you had wanted for yourself.

You decide that as much as you thought God had turned his back on you, as much as you resented him, blamed him, or even stopped believing that he was there at all; that he IS with you. That he knows your struggle, he cries your tears, and he hopes for you when you don't have any light left in yourself. And one day, if you're lucky, you see that glimmer of hope. You see that escape from the dark, miserable hole you've dug yourself into. You see his hand reached out, waiting for you to take it. You see that his hand has been there all along, even when you turned your back to it. And you decide to trust him.

That's what I did this year. If you read over my infertility posts, like the ones here, here and here; you can see this slow shift in my life, in my perspective. From the daily struggle to get out of bed to the slow realization that this didn't have to be my life. That my circumstances didn't have to dictate my level of satisfaction in life. That my happiness, my hopefulness, the light that shines within me- it didn't have to fade away because of this heartbreak.

And this year I became so much more myself than I have ever been. There are so many moments I am thankful for, and so much hope for the future. I am content in this moment. And yet I am so excited for what may come. This fall/winter marks my fifth year of struggling with infertility. And it's the first time in 5 years that I have been happy and hopeful on the anniversary of my diagnosis. Because even if it's not what I had planned for myself, I trust that it is going to be more amazing than anything I could have thought of. That my life is going to be filled with more adventure, more life lessons, and more light and faith than I would have had without this struggle.

I can't wait to see where He takes me next. I have great plans for the next year of my life. Buying a house with my best friend, backpacking across Oregon, traveling to Arizona, getting my passport, finding an amazing church in this new city I live in. And yet none of those things bring me as much excitement as waiting to see what He has planned for me in the next year of my life. I feel so blessed to have this new outlook towards life and towards infertility. Blessed because I know I have the opportunity to be an encouraging, positive, loving voice in the IF (Infertility) community.

Thank you guys for stopping by! I hope you enjoyed this fall photo session and maybe a tad bit of my perspective on my infertility and the journey to find my faith. These gorgeous photos were taken by the amazing Jessie of Schu's shoots. (She also took pictures of me and my pooch earlier this year, here.) Jessie is such a blast to work with, we always end up laughing and having lots of fun together! After doing a fun session together last fall, I knew she'd be the gal I'd go to for this lifestyle/portrait session :) She always let's me be my playful, silly self.

I'm linking up with the Hope Engaged monthly photo shoot link party today. Check it out and think about linking up with us next month! It's always a lot of fun planning and sharing each session and checking out what the other women shared.

Most bloggers love fall. I'm so glad that this year I get to join in and fully appreciate the beauty and peacefulness of this season. What does the fall season mean for you?

xoxo, Laura

Choosing Happiness

My journey to happiness was a long one. After being the target of emotional abuse growing up, suffering the loss of my first marriage and the very worst- finding out I can't have children of my own; I found myself in a miserable place. I cried, all the time. I was sad, angry, disappointed and couldn't find my way back to being myself.

But here's what I didn't understand at the time, what I do know now, what I want you to know... Happiness isn't just going to be given to me. Happiness is not something that just happens to you. Your happiness depends on one thing and one thing only- it depends on you.

HAPPINESS IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. 

 

Other people can contribute to or subtract from your happiness, but they do not create it. You can't find lasting happiness in another person. You won't find lasting happiness in anything other than your relationship with yourself. More importantly, you shouldn't put the burden of your happiness on somebody else's shoulders. That's not up to them, it isn't their responsibility and eventually they will disappoint you if you are unable to be in a healthy state of mind by yourself.

 

Furthermore, your situation can affect your happiness but it doesn't determine it. You determine your own happiness. How you choose to react to your environment and the things that happen to you, that's what makes or breaks your happiness. Have you ever noticed how some people with terminal illnesses serve as a source of happiness, life and encouragement despite their situation? Or how some people live relatively easy, happy, privileged lives and are miserable? That's because happiness isn't determined in your circumstances in life, it's what you make of your circumstances.

 

 

So how do you achieve happiness when you aren't happy? How to find your way back to bliss when you've found yourself on a hard and beaten pathway far away from the reality you wanted for yourself? I want to share with you how I did it & how you can do it too :)

1. Understand that happiness is a choice. Then choose it! Do the things that make you happy, change the things that don't. If you don't like your job, start applying to other places. Hate your college experience? Then change colleges or take a year off. I've moved across the country 4 times in my adult life. I've attended two different colleges, I got married and divorced. You have to make the decisions that are best for you. You have to have the courage to make the decisions that are best for you.

 

2. You are most like the 5 people you spend the most time with. Choose Wisely. When I couldn't get pregnant, young, unprepared, ungrateful mothers used to make me so angry and miserable. Facebook statuses complaining about dead beat dads and how miserable pregnancy was would worsen my state of mind. I would begin comparing myself to them wondering how it was me who had to endure being childless despite my love and patience with children. One of the single best things I did to change my state of mind was getting rid of those people. Childhood friends who didn't live the kind of lives I wanted to be a part of- gone. Acquaintances who complained all the time- didn't need them.I never once regretted deleting any of those people from my social networks or from my life. Now the only moms I surround myself with are the ones who are grateful for the blessings, the ones I can get excited with and be happy for. Optimism breeds optimism. Surround yourself by miserable people who aren't doing anything positive with their lives and it's easy to fall into that trap yourself. But if you surround yourself by happy people who make the most of their lives, you will be compelled to do the same.

 

3. Make new goals for yourself. For the first year and a half after failed attempts to conceive, I dug myself into a hopeless and bitter hole. I was meant to be a mother, the one thing I wanted most in life, the one thing I felt like I was meant to do beyond a doubt was taken from me. What was left without that? What was I worth without the ability to do the most basic thing women are designed to do? It was that line of thinking that had me knocking on depression's doorstep. I eventually learned to make new plans. That if plan "A" didn't work, there were still so many other options. So I made new goals for myself. Start my own business, travel to New Zealand, etc. I created goals that were exciting, new and fun. Something to look forward to in my future that had nothing to do with my uterus. Creating a new set of goals for yourself when life throws you a curve ball is a great way to stay positive and hard working.

 

4. Take control over the things you can. I couldn't change the fact that money was tight after my divorce, that I was struggling to make ends meet when I became a one income household. I couldn't change the fact that divorce brought me debt. But here's what I could control- I could control how much I worked, how hard I worked and what jobs I worked. When I took control over the aspects I could, I felt 100x's better about myself. I felt like I had a plan to get out of my current situation and it worked. After working 60-80 hours a week for more than a year, I paid off all of my credit card debt and got rid of all jointly acquired assets from my marriage and replaced them with items I worked for and purchased on my own. (new car, booyah.) I did that. I made that choice. I made that sacrifice, working 16-19 hour days sometimes. And it was worth it. You can't control everything but if you step up and take charge of the things that are in your hands, your problems are resolved much quicker :)

 

5. Treat yourself well. Feeling healthy is a huge step towards being healthy. I started doing a lot of cardio and classes when I decided to kick my depression in the butt and it was so rejuvenating. Yoga helps you relax and to feel at peace with yourself and the world. Kick boxing makes you feel energetic and powerful. Go sweat out your sadness or your anger and feel great about yourself with all the endorphins afterwards. Plus, classes are a great way to meet new girlfriends! A nice, clean gym you love and feel comfortable in is a great investment. So are spa pedicures. Treat yourself to nice things occasionally- a new book from the thrift store, a pedi, etc.

 

6. Pursue new things. Photography, cooking, scrapbooking, running marathons, volunteering. The more active you are, the more social and positive you are, the more it feeds back to you. When you're battling depression, you feel like you have no energy. The only thing that changes that is changing your mind set until your body reaps the rewards. Get yourself on a decent sleep schedule and don't allow yourself to stay in bed more than 9 hours. Once you've gotten a full 9 hours of sleep, force yourself to get up, take a shower, then go out and conquer the world. Trying things you never thought about before is a great way to rediscover your spice for life and to get excited about things again. Not every hobby will be for you but when you find one you're passionate about, it's so rewarding!

 

7. Simplify your life. When you simplify every aspect of your life, it makes things a lot less complicated. It makes achieving happiness a lot less complicated. I donated all the books I had already read, I gave away half of my wardrobe to friends, and I got rid of everything that didn't bring me direct happiness. I kept only the things that made me smile, like my favorite cat sweater; I kept my vintage pitcher vase with silk floral arrangement and I kept the crafting supplies I actually used. Everything else I gave away. Not only does getting rid of clutter make you feel relaxed and accomplished, but cleaning helps clear your mind as well. I also simplified my schedule and other aspects of my life. I already talked about simplifying the number of people in your life to upgrade the quality of people in your life. Think about your possessions and activities that way too. Only keep the ones that are worth your time.

 

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In the last year, my life has changed tremendously, even more so in the last 6 months. I finally learned how to be happy by myself. I finally found self-worth beyond my failed marriage and lack of fertility. I finally realized that this was my life and if I wanted it to be a great one, I had to make it a great one. No sitting around waiting for things to happen, make them happen for yourself. Train yourself to think in a positive and encouraging manner and it will start to come naturally.

 

These 7 things are the best 7 things I did for myself. The best things I did to change my life, my outlook and my experience. Despite depression, I found a way to choose happiness and breed positivity throughout my life.

 

 

Other things I recommend-

- Writing in a journal (I like get out my negative thoughts or worries on paper and reserve my words for lovely interactions with people instead of talking negatively.)

- Lists. Lists are super therapeutic for me. I write lists for everything! To-do lists, Accomplished lists, Goals lists, Grocery lists, you name it, I write it. Lists are amazing for organizing your thoughts.

- Taking bubble baths

- Joining an online community of like-minded people going through similar trials  (I highly recommend a Blog About Love for anybody who needs a daily dose of positivity and encouragement despite dealing with infertility or divorce.)

- Animal snuggling. My dog was a source of such contentment during that period of my life. The bond we share now is unbelievable. I truly believe she was meant for me and I for her. More about her rescue story later though.

- If you don't have an awesome cat or dog, watch funny cat videos on YouTube. Did you know watching videos of cute, funny animals and/or babies prolongs your life? It's true! Laughter cures so many heartaches.

- Everyday, write what one thing you are thankful for on a chalkboard, white board- whatever you have in your office or bedroom! Keep it where you can see it and change the message each day. When you focus on all the things that you have to be thankful for, it makes all the difference in your perspective.

- Try having a daily mantra. A quote to keep your mind focused throughout the day on a positive and directive thought. Try these: 

"When You Love What You Have, You Have Everything You Need."

"Gratitude Turns What We Have Into Enough."

"The Happiness of Your Life, Depends on the Quality of Your Thoughts."

  

 

I hope you found this post helpful and motivating to make major changes for yourself and for your happiness. Creating your own happiness isn't always easy but it's so worth it.

 

xoxo, Laura

 

[Important Note- At the time I was going through all of this, several years ago, my doctor informed me that I had mild/borderline depression. His opinion was that I was coping well on my own and therefore I did not need medication if I could continue on my own to make the best of my circumstances. Every case is different- if you think you may be suffering from depression, make sure you get a medical opinion on the best course of treatment for you. I am very pleased to tell you that today I am free from depression since changing my life using these simple rules for bettering my life.]





Guide to Being Friends with Someone Who Can't Have Babies

As somebody who struggles with infertility, I thought it important to share with you guys how to be a good friend to somebody in my position. If you've ever known anybody who struggles with infertility or having miscarriages, you've probably experienced the emotional minefield you have to sometimes navigate to have a relationship with them.

 

 



Please know that all of these words come from kindness, from a place that wants us to have a good, long lasting, fulfilling relationship. Because I want us to be friends and I know that sometimes it's hard, here's some things you should know to make it a little easier for both of us- a guide to being friends with someone who struggles with infertility.

 

-You are not my doctor. Keep your medial opinions to yourself. You do not have a medical degree and knowledge of all my test results to negate my current diagnosis to give advice. Every case is different. Please don’t tell me how to “fix” my situation. What worked for your cousin or best friend’s mother isn’t necessarily going to work for me. In fact, nothing may work for me.

-I need you to be patient with me. Infertility is an ongoing trial that I work everyday to overcome. Some days I need space. I need privacy. I need quiet. And other days I need a really big hug and a reminder that my worth is not solely dictated by my ability or inability to have children. Some days I might get teary eyed walking through the baby isle of the store, and other days I’ll get excited and want to swoon over all the cute things as I dream about being able to shop for my own baby one day. I know it’s hard to be my friend sometimes. I love you for being here for me despite that.

-Stop trying to lessen the gravity of my infertility. It might not be a big deal to you, but it changed my whole life. It’s something I think about and live with every day. Trust that you couldn’t possibly know what I’m going through if you can have kids, do have kids, or haven’t tried to have kids yet. I need you to be sensitive, don’t minimize my feelings or my trials. Phrases like “It’s just not God’s plan for you to have children yet,” or “It’ll happen when it’s supposed to” only hurt my feelings. In fact it hurts my feelings a lot.

-I agonize over my decisions. I worry about everything. I can’t make decisions about my future, where I should live, what job field I should be in, or what dreams and goals I should have for myself because I don’t know if I will ever be able to have children. What if I buy the house with the big back yard and 5 bedrooms for all those children just to be reminded every day for the rest of my life  of how I was never blessed with children to fill that home. What if I buy the smaller more realistic home, spend the extra money on fertility treatments then conceive and not have the space I wanted for that child because I compromised on my home. I have to choose if I want to gain $60,000 in student loan debt getting my Master’s degree or continue working and saving money instead so I might have enough to try fertility treatments one day. I don’t make these decisions lightly and I worry about them all the time.

-Unless I ask for your advice, don’t give it. Don’t tell me things will get better if I just relax or if I adopt. Don’t give me a list of what you think my options are. Trust me, I have thought of all my options already. Children are a dream I strive to accomplish so badly that I have researched and looked into every possible way of achieving that dream one day. Furthermore, you don’t know what financial constraints I’m working within to accomplish that goal. When you nonchalantly told me I should adopt instead, you were assuming that coming up with $30,000-$50,000 to accomplish that was realistic or easy. I’m sorry but do you have $50,000 laying around? Me neither.

-I need you to be encouraging. Words not based in fact; like “you’ll have a baby one day, I just know it,” crush my heart, because you can’t possibly know that. But words like “you are a great woman with so much strength and compassion,” help remind me that even though I’m broken, I’m still a good person. They help keep me hopeful, and they make me appreciate you even more than I already do.

-I want to be a good friend to you. Even though I might not be able to have them, I love children. Please don’t leave me out of your life when you feel awkward about milestones that might make me sad. I may be sad for a few days if you get pregnant. Let me work through that. Because once I have, I’ll be so excited for you. I will want to celebrate with you and meet your little one, spoil them rotten with sweet kisses and presents. Your child’s fourth birthday may be a reminder that we won’t be raising children together like we planned, and yes it may result in me crying at home for a couple of hours. But please don’t shut me out of your life. I might not be emotionally able to participate in every event, but please let that be my decision. I want to be there for you, I want to celebrate with you. I would be far more hurt by not being invited at all.

-Lastly, I need you to know that my happiness isn’t dictated by my infertility. I will have bad days/weeks or even months sometimes. Where I am sad or discouraged or disappointed. But I know who I am, I love who I am, and I’m never miserable. I am very fortunate to have worked through that part of my journey already. I was sad and angry for a very long time. I’m finally happy though. I am content. I know that my infertility exists and I have come to terms with how that limits me. And I’m sorry for the times I’m not fun to be around. I am thankful that you wait it out for the times I am my happy, fun self. I never want you to feel helpless when I’m sad. I will work through it. My sunshine will come back soon, I promise.

I hope you found this post helpful. I want you to know that I love you and appreciate your presence in my life. It means a lot to me that you make such a strong effort at making sure our friendship isn't negatively affected by my infertility.

If you found my guide to being friends with someone who struggles with infertility helpful, please share it with your loved ones. As many people I can reach out to and help to understand us, the better our relationships are with them