Monday, August 4, 2014

Thankful For My Infertility

I know what you're thinking... "Did she just say she's THANKFUL for her infertility?" As little as two years ago, the word "thankful" would have never come out of my mouth in regards to my infertility. Today, however, it is a message that rings true to my core.
 
I can't put into words how deeply I feel the calling to be a mother. No words could ever convey just how much I want it, how much I feel like I was created for this very act. No words could ever tell you just how disappointed I sometimes often feel when I look into the eyes of my best friend, the love of my life, and there is no foreseeable future where we have children together.

I couldn't possibly tell you how deeply I feel the following desires-
  • To experience pregnancy. Seeing my belly grow, suffering through whatever terrible pregnancy symptoms that reassure me that I am so blessed to be growing a tiny human inside of me.
  • To create life with the person I love most in this world.
  • To experience being a mother and falling so far in love with this tiny human that I created out of pure love with my significant other.
  • To hear the sounds of toddler footsteps on the hardwood floors. Pitter-pattering through the house. To hear their giggles when they've been attacked with kisses and snuggles from mama or daddy.
  • To spend my days raising children and letting them know just how absolutely wonderful they are and what a gift to the world they are. For my life's purpose to be just that.
  • To know what it feels like to have a baby with somebody I love. The incomparable bond that forms between two people when they decide that they want to create life together. The incomparable bond that comes with seeing the love of your life become a father or a mother.

I could go on for days and days writing this list. The list of dreams unfulfilled, the list of dreams that accompany motherhood that may never be fulfilled for me. There is nothing I can do or say that would make you feel the impact of just how much I want all of those things and more in my life.

And yet, aside from all of these desires, I've found a way to make my life full of purpose and joy. Because as much as I wish I were a mother- could be a mother- will be a mother; it's not happening right now or anytime in the foreseeable future. Take away a person's deepest calling and what are you left with? You're left with a blank slate. An empty space, full of potential and possibilities. An empty space to fill up with whatever you want, if you only let yourself see beyond the vast emptiness and loneliness that currently resides there and focus on what your life can look like.

So much power lays within each person living with infertility. The power to completely rewrite your life or to continue living in misery. You get to decide if you're going to see your blank slate as an empty, lonely space where your broken dreams reside, or if you're going to see it as a new space that's full of potential. And I know how hard it is, to leave your heartbreak behind you and keep moving forward (it took me years to do this.) But it's something you can do.

So here's the things I appreciate, the chances I've taken, the passions I've pursued, the things I'm counting as blessings because of my infertility-
  • Because of my infertility, I am not a single mom. As a (happily) divorced gal, I would probably be a single mom right now if we had been able to conceive during our marriage. And if I weren't a single mom, I would probably be a much less happy, less fulfilled person living in a marriage that wasn't right for either of us, simply because we did have a child together.
  • Because of my infertility, I get to move across the country whenever I want. I can pick up my life and my possessions and take them wherever I desire to go. I don't have to take another person's life into account when making decisions like this. I'm able to go when I want to with much less worry about finances and other factors. And I've taken advantage of that. I've moved across the country several times and have lived in 4 different states.
  • Because of my infertility I get to sleep in. Seriously, this is probably one of the things I love most in life.
  • Because of my infertility, I have had the money and time to pursue creative passions. My photography business, Project Life, scrapbooking, blogging, etc.... all things I didn't explore before I started looking at my childless blank slate.
  • Because of my infertility, I don't have to worry about the future as much. I can choose to indulge myself. I can go on vacations to see my family. I can invest in things I love. Because my money and my time is mine to spend.
  • Because of my infertility, I am with the love of my life. And he's pretty darn awesome.
  • Because of my infertility, I have had time to grow up. I have had time to become less selfish and more intentional about how I live and what I want in life.
  • Because of my infertility, I have met the kindest women in the IF community. These women have a strength that radiates from within, because of their struggles. These women are some of the most amazing women I have ever known.
  • Because of my infertility, I am brave. I am brave enough to create a life that doesn't involve being a mother like I had planned and wanted. And brave enough to always keep some hope alive that one day, one day I will have a baby.
  • Because of my infertility, I know who I am. And I know who I am capable of being. I know how much potential I have and I am doing amazing things with my potential. I am chasing new dreams.
  • Because of my infertility, I don't take my health for granted. I understand that my body doesn't have to do anything for me. And the fact that it does so much for me and serves as a safe place for my soul is amazing.
  • Because of my infertility, I found God. First, I lost him. Then I came to know, love and trust him in a blind way that requires so much more faith than I ever had before.

When I take the time to count my blessings, and to count all of the amazing things that have happened in my life because of my infertility, I am so thankful. Thankful for my story. Thankful for my struggle. Thankful for my life, however infertile it may be.

And while I would trade all of these things and a thousand more in order to be a mother, I am thankful for the life I have. However childless it is, it's an amazing life because I've decided that's what it's going to be, baby or not.

xoxo,
Laura

PS. Many thanks to PoeticEdge Photography for these gorgeous new photos! 

12 comments:

  1. This post is...I don't even know if I have the words to describe it (but I mean that in a great way). YOU GO, GIRL. For real. You have such a great spirit and it's clearly evidenced here, with these words...IN these words. It can be extremely difficult to find any silver lining in a situation that is so personally heartbreaking (I KNOW), but you've done a fantastic job of it here. This list...just, yes. And on those days when your infertility gets you down, I hope you can refer back to this list and believe it and know it -- because it is THE TRUTH. I am such a sucker for when people share/blog about real life, especially the messy parts, because its raw and real and honest things like this that people crave and need. Keep being you, girl. Because you're totally rocking it.

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    1. Dearest Kelsey, you are the sweetest ever <3 Thank you! And yes, this is why I have the list- to keep counting my blessings on days when I can't remember all of them :D

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  2. Wow, so beautiful, Laura! You truly are amazing :)

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    1. Thank you so much, Sabrina. So kind of you <3

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  3. Fantastic post. Amazing outlook on life. You are fabulous :)

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  4. While a challenge, we always have a choice about what we decide to do with difficult circumstances in life. I'm glad you're able to find happiness in your life despite your struggles.

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    1. Sometimes it takes a while to get there, but eventually I find my way :)

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  5. I just found your blog though Caylee's post about you. This is a topic close to my heart. I've been struggling this week, and reading your post has really helped. I might even print it out. Thank you for being open and honest about this. I feel like it's something no one talks about, but they should because it happens to a lot more people than we really know about. Thank you so much for putting things into perspective and helping me see the silver lining in a tough situation.

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    1. Thank you so much for reading Lauren <3 I am so sad for every woman who relates to the struggle of infertility, but you're right- we should speak about it more often. Because we are SO much stronger when you face it together. I'm so glad you've found some tiny bit of peace in this blog post and I hope you stick around for future ones. Sending positive vibes your way! xoxoxo

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  6. I came here looking for inspiration for my Gossamer Blue kit, and the first thing I saw was your infertility link. I love this post. Your list of positives is almost exactly the list I have made. When I learned that I couldn't have children the old fashioned way, I became an entirely different person and not one I liked for a long time. I'm just now learning to accept and embrace who I am now and what a childless life can look like. Good luck to you!

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    1. Thank you and good luck to you, as well! I completely relate to infertility making you a person you didn't like for a long time until you found a way to accept it and cherish your journey. I'm so much a better and more fulfilled person now, than I ever was before! It took a long time to get here, but I'm so thankful to be in this great place, now. Thank you so much for reading. xoxo

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Hello gorgeous, I love reading your comments!