Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Infertility- Sometimes I don't even want children anymore

Infertility is hard. Sometimes, in order to protect ourselves, we have to fall in love with a different life, a different future, than the one we had planned. Instead of babies, we start thinking about traveling and adventures, success and independence. Because thinking about wanting a family or starting a family is too difficult, emotionally.

In the beginning, I would be satisfied with these distracting goals and dreams for a while. But infertility always crept back. I would still have days when I would cry about it, or days when baby fever hit me like a ton of rocks. Because although a life of freedom, personal success, traveling and adventures sounds wonderful and would no doubt be wonderful, it wasn't what I truly wanted in my core being. I wanted to be a mother still. Somehow, someday.

Well, the further down this road I travel (I've known about my infertility for 5 years now,) the further I walk away from that dream life of having/wanting a family. Some days I look at Stephen and say "I am so glad I never had children before now. What would I be doing? I love sleeping in. I couldn't do that with a child." Especially when I'm at work, I feel overwhelmingly at peace with the fact that I could never get pregnant. I nanny for an amazing family with such selfless parents. I often tell the mother of the family how glad she makes me that I never had kids... because I would have been so selfish of a parent compared to her. She's such a great mother.

Most days now, not only am I okay with the fact that I haven't been able to have a baby, but I also am not thinking about having one any more. I've come to understand how hard it would be. Aside from the giggles, the cute cries, the incomparable bonding and memories.... being a mother would be such hard work. I would have to give up so much of myself- my time, my money, my space, my hobbies, my goals, other things I love. Being a mother would be an amazing gift... but it comes at a cost, as well. And the longer I struggle with infertility, the less of a struggle it becomes. The more I start to accept this reality and come to peace with it. Finding validation in my circumstances by training myself to think about how many more options I have now, because I don't/can't have a family in the foreseeable future.

And I feel okay- something that I never imagined would happen. The longer I have to wait to see having a family/a baby as a possibility, the less I want it.


And then I see my best friend, the love of my life, snuggling up with our dogs and it all comes rushing back. I want a family with him one day. Despite the fear of never getting that dream, sometimes I still have the guts to want it.

xoxo,
Laura

11 comments:

  1. I love your honesty on this subject. We are just starting our journey of figuring out what is going on with my body after trying to get pregnant for a couple years, and I'm quite open about it with those around me. It's so refreshing to hear someone talk about it and not feel like it's bad or something to keep a secret. In the last while I've had thoughts like these and it's hard to deal with. My motto of late has become, "We'll see." :)

    Lynnette
    ourlifetimeoflearning.blogspot.com

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    1. Thanks, Lynnette. It can be hard to talk about sometimes, but I couldn't imagine feeling like I can't talk about it. "We'll see," is safe, I like it. A certain point in time comes along and we have to start protecting ourselves by expecting less , and it's okay to protect ourselves, too :)

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  2. I have those same thoughts too! You are not alone girlie!

    waitingforbabybird.com

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  3. I love this post as I relate to it so much, since I have been trying to accept the possibility of never getting pregnant... thanks for sharing this. I hope all your dreams come true in every aspect of your life :)

    http://2daymightbetheday.blogspot.com

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    1. Thanks so much, Jennifer. You're so sweet :)

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  4. Your honesty is beautiful. There are no easy paths in life. But finding peace in your circumstances is a wonderful thing. XOXO

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    1. Thanks, Jessah. And you're right, peace is the best thing we can hope for some days!

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  5. This is exactly how I feel! It's comforting to know I am not alone. Thank you!!

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  6. Laura this post is so inspiring! Just the other day I told my husband that I don't want kids anymore. Think about how much freedom we will have! I almost wonder if it's a defense mechanism, to just tell yourself it's ok. I know deep down its not ok, but it's nice to tell yourself it will be ok. Thank you for all your wonderful posts!

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Hello gorgeous, I love reading your comments!