Infertility is hard. Sometimes, in order to protect ourselves, we have to fall in love with a different life, a different future, than the one we had planned. Instead of babies, we start thinking about traveling and adventures, success and independence. Because thinking about wanting a family or starting a family is too difficult, emotionally.
In the beginning, I would be satisfied with these distracting goals and dreams for a while. But infertility always crept back. I would still have days when I would cry about it, or days when baby fever hit me like a ton of rocks. Because although a life of freedom, personal success, traveling and adventures sounds wonderful and would no doubt be wonderful, it wasn't what I truly wanted in my core being. I wanted to be a mother still. Somehow, someday.
Well, the further down this road I travel (I've known about my infertility for 5 years now,) the further I walk away from that dream life of having/wanting a family. Some days I look at Stephen and say "I am so glad I never had children before now. What would I be doing? I love sleeping in. I couldn't do that with a child." Especially when I'm at work, I feel overwhelmingly at peace with the fact that I could never get pregnant. I nanny for an amazing family with such selfless parents. I often tell the mother of the family how glad she makes me that I never had kids... because I would have been so selfish of a parent compared to her. She's such a great mother.
Most days now, not only am I okay with the fact that I haven't been able to have a baby, but I also am not thinking about having one any more. I've come to understand how hard it would be. Aside from the giggles, the cute cries, the incomparable bonding and memories.... being a mother would be such hard work. I would have to give up so much of myself- my time, my money, my space, my hobbies, my goals, other things I love. Being a mother would be an amazing gift... but it comes at a cost, as well. And the longer I struggle with infertility, the less of a struggle it becomes. The more I start to accept this reality and come to peace with it. Finding validation in my circumstances by training myself to think about how many more options I have now, because I don't/can't have a family in the foreseeable future.
And I feel okay- something that I never imagined would happen. The longer I have to wait to see having a family/a baby as a possibility, the less I want it.
And then I see my best friend, the love of my life, snuggling up with our dogs and it all comes rushing back. I want a family with him one day. Despite the fear of never getting that dream, sometimes I still have the guts to want it.