On Choosing the Right Path

Choosing what to do with the rest of your life is a lot of pressure. I mean, it's the rest of your life, right?

The hardest part of making a choice for me was/is figuring out if what I wanted for the rest of my life was what God wanted for the rest of my life. Sometimes we get so crazy passionate about something, it fills us with so much joy and purpose, that we feel like yes, this is it! this is what I'm meant to do. But how do we know if that's what God also wants for us? When we are filled with that passion and lust for the career or that lifestyle, it feels right! But whose to say our plan is the same one God has for us?

I get that crazy, passionate feeling about creating beautiful things + being a small business owner. But the more I dwelled on it, (I've been working from home for four months now,) the more I felt this nagging thought creeping in.... Is this really what God wants me to being everyday for the rest of my life?

It felt like nagging because my honest thought was no, this isn't His plan. It was hard for me to accept because I LOVE making beautiful things and I LOVE my businesses. This is what I want to be doing for the rest of my life. But the more I think about God's plan and what He wants for me, the more I feel like this isn't it.

So how do I find my true path?

I think God means for us to better the world. I feel that He wants me (and each of us, probably) to leave it better than it was before. The easiest way to do this is by helping individual people. I knew I wasn't passionate about ABA therapy anymore (working with Autistic children,) what I was going to school for previously. I've been feeling so burnt out from spending the last 10 years of my life working with special needs children. It was something that I started coming home from work stressed out over and after 10 years, I was questioning whether I even wanted to have kids at all, because work was affecting me so negatively.

So I started looking at things I'm passionate about that can be used to better the world. It comes back to relationships, infertility, helping people and being an encouraging voice to others who are going through these tough things. But I can do this in so many more ways than just through my blog. I can do this as a career, for the rest of my life. Bingo.

So how do you figure out what God's desire is for you? (Keep in mind that this should be something you enjoy to some degree!)

This is the formula I came up with-

Make a list of the things you love/are passionate about.
Can you help somebody doing any of the things you are passionate about?
Can you make a living doing the thing you are passionate about that also help others.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Here's how my list narrowed down.

*Things I am passionate about- relationships, paper crafting, making pretty things, being a small business owner, helping others, infertility, shelter dogs

*Which of these can you use to truly, deeply help others- relationships, paper crafting, making pretty things, being a small business owner, helping others, infertility, shelter dogs

*Which of these things that you're passionate about, that also betters the world, is something you can make a living doing- relationships, paper crafting, making pretty things, being a small business owner, helping others, infertility, shelter dogs

My list at the end looked like this- relationships, helping others, infertility. So then I needed to look at career options that use these three things.

*Career options using my previous list- Helping people with IVF as an embryologist, infertility nurse or take the counseling route as a marriage + family counselor.

*Which of these things am I qualified to do? Well, I suck at science and I'm not a huge fan of bodily fluids, so the medical careers are out. I'm left with the counseling route as a marriage + family counselor.

After dwelling on this for a while, (I mean, it took me 25 years to come up with this formula to figure out what I am really meant to do with my life, I didn't want to rush the final decision,) it started to feel more and more right. I have an Associates in Social Science (psychology,) from the last time I was in school to become an ABA therapist, so I'm already 1/3 of the way there to becoming a family + marriage counselor. (More stars aligning.) And I feel that being trained professionally in this area is an invaluable skill to have to help others and my own relationships. I also think being a licensed counselor would cultivate more opportunities to help people to the best of my ability AS a small business owner.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .

There is so much pressure to choose the right thing to do for the rest of your life; but here's the thing nobody tells you- it's okay if you choose wrong. You probably will choose wrong. When you figure it out, you make a change and you choose something better.

I am still 1,000% passionate about making beautiful things and being a small business owner. I will continue to pursue these things and do my best to make them successful. In the meantime though, I've decided to go back to school this fall and start working towards my Bachelors to be followed by my Masters degrees. It will be a crazy amount of work. Especially considering that I will still have to be working when I go back to school, but I feel like it's 100% worth if for the RIGHT career.

I'm planning on specializing in infertility and counseling those who are dealing with that. Degree wise, there is no option to specialize in infertility counseling, but I know that with my personal experience + knowledge combined with a need for this kind of counseling that it will be possible to work with those who need this specific kind of help. A lot of reproductive (IVF) clinics actually require their clients to do mandatory counseling in order to start IVF, which gives me an amazing opportunity to help those whose personal mindset + marriages have been affected by infertility.

Talk about finding your niche, aye?

I want to know if you struggled to find the career when it came to aligning what you would like to do with what God wants you to do! How did you decide? Did you ever choose a degree or career path and it ended up being the wrong one? (I know I did, the first time I was in school!)

xoxo,
Laura

The Perfect Love

Last year on Valentine's day, I shared with you my idea of a great love. I shared the kind of husband I hoped to find one day, and the kind of wife I'd like to one day be. This year, I'm not thinking about that great love story, though.

Instead, I'm thinking about the perfect love story. The perfect love. And I know what you're going to say.... there is no such thing as "perfect love" or the "perfect relationship," but I stand here ready to tell you that there is. And I have found it.

I am a daughter of the King. It is not something I have earned. It is not something that I can lose. It does not come from my opinion of myself. It does not depend on validation from others. I am a daughter of God because He said I am. I am a daughter of God because He is perfect and he loves me despite all of my imperfections. I am loved by a perfect God.

...and even if you don't always believe it, you are too.

I wish you all a happy and love-filled Valentine's Day. Hug your loved ones, call your best friends, buy yourself flowers. Exude the kind of love and positivity you hope to see in the world. I am so thankful to have great love in my life this year, from friends and family(ies). I am even more thankful to know the perfect love that can only come from my Lord.

xoxo, Laura

When God Gives You More Than You Can Handle

Alright, today's subject is... a little touchy. Mostly because when we are going through an especially difficult time, people love to throw faith-based statements at us to give us some kind of comfort. The trouble is, sometimes they aren't true statements. And sometimes they leave us feeling hopeless; because when things are really, really difficult, it can be hard to understand why it's happening to you.

Right now I want to tackle one of the biggest phrases people throw around; "God never gives you more than you can handle." A phrase that I've never in my life found to be true.

This is one phrase I've never figured out. How it could possibly give somebody comfort? If they are feeling hurt, vulnerable and weak, why would you tell them, "Well obviously you can handle it, toughen up. God knows what He's doing." You might as well stab them in the heart and tell them to get over it. Sometimes in life, we are given way more than we feel we can take. Burden upon burden. Heartbreak after heartbreak. Challenge beyond challenge. And while you say "God never gives you more than you can handle," you're wrong.

He doesn't necessarily give these burdens to us, (I don't personally believe that He is responsible for the bad things in our life.) But bad things do happen in our lives. Things that we can't control, things that will break our hearts. That's kind of the point. When you are lower than low, when you have no more strength to fight and no more faith to hope- He's there. He's there to help you, he's there to take some of the pain, to give your heart encouragement and comfort. He's there to show us, that being human means we can't do everything on our own. We need Him.

A year ago, I was struggling daily with the feeling of hopelessness and worthlessness due to my infertility. For a very long time I wavered between blaming Him or not believing in Him. How could such a wonderful God let such bad things happen to good people? (I cringe just typing that now!) I was very lucky (or maybe it wasn't luck at all, but God) to have some really great friends come into my life and talk about their love for God. They talked about how they rely on Him whenever things got to be too much for their fragile human hearts to handle. They talked about how their God is a God of hope and happiness. And they softened my heart enough to seek Him out for myself because I was tired of living everyday in a state of repressed sadness.

When we learn to accept that we have weaknesses and that we can't take it all, do it all, handle it all; we open our hearts and souls to God. That's what he wants for us. He wants us to believe in Him, trust in Him and love Him. When everything is going wrong and we don't know what to do- He is there for us- all we have to do is look. He never wants to see hurt in our hearts or pain in our lives. He only wants to take all of that from us and help us to rejoice in Him.

This is one of the biggest life-changing lessons I've learned in the last year. I've learned that if I truly look to him for comfort, He does heal our hurt. Not completely, not forever. But He gives us enough strength to get through and rejoice in His presence. He gives us hope and purpose. I'm still trying to find my purpose if it's not to be a mother one day, but I know that I will find it. And on days when I'm feeling extra crumby, (I've had a lot of those the last week or so,) I remind myself to look towards Him for comfort. Because there is no greater love than that of our God.

I hope this message finds you well today, and that if you are dealing with any kind of hurt in your life right now, that you find this as a reminder that it's okay to ask Him to help. He wants to help us. There is nothing more precious to Him than us.

xoxo, Laura

Infertility and A Fall Photo Session

I hope you came prepared for an over dose of pictures and freckles! Despite my lack of tan and sunshine this summer, boy do those beauties stand out in these pictures- I loveeeeeeeee freckles! 

Fall is usually a really hard time of the year for me. A few years ago, I was diagnosed with unexplained female infertility. A devastating condition which means I may never be a mother. Last fall and winter, I struggled a lot with myself. My identity. Who was I now that I couldn't be the person I always dreamed of being? Extraordinary mother, loving wife, maker of a happy home. I had to say goodbye to that version of myself. I had to say goodbye to the life I had so desperately wanted because that possibility was taken away from me.

Infertility devastates your world. It is one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through and I have been through a lot. It is one of the only challenges in my life that I have ever faced and walked away questioning myself. My self worth, who I was. I've lost a lot the last few years. But I stand here today with so much more hope and purpose than I ever imaged.

Because at some point, you stand alone, looking around at the wreckage that was your world and you decide- you make the decision- that this will not be your life.

That you will not cry day after day after day anymore. That you won't waste years of your life being disappointed, angry, sad and confused. One day you make the decision to be HOPEFUL. You pick yourself up off the ground. You throw away all the snot-filled tissues. You take a shower. And you decide that this will not be your life. You decide that you have a greater purpose, a higher calling, a more important role than the one you had wanted for yourself.

You decide that as much as you thought God had turned his back on you, as much as you resented him, blamed him, or even stopped believing that he was there at all; that he IS with you. That he knows your struggle, he cries your tears, and he hopes for you when you don't have any light left in yourself. And one day, if you're lucky, you see that glimmer of hope. You see that escape from the dark, miserable hole you've dug yourself into. You see his hand reached out, waiting for you to take it. You see that his hand has been there all along, even when you turned your back to it. And you decide to trust him.

That's what I did this year. If you read over my infertility posts, like the ones here, here and here; you can see this slow shift in my life, in my perspective. From the daily struggle to get out of bed to the slow realization that this didn't have to be my life. That my circumstances didn't have to dictate my level of satisfaction in life. That my happiness, my hopefulness, the light that shines within me- it didn't have to fade away because of this heartbreak.

And this year I became so much more myself than I have ever been. There are so many moments I am thankful for, and so much hope for the future. I am content in this moment. And yet I am so excited for what may come. This fall/winter marks my fifth year of struggling with infertility. And it's the first time in 5 years that I have been happy and hopeful on the anniversary of my diagnosis. Because even if it's not what I had planned for myself, I trust that it is going to be more amazing than anything I could have thought of. That my life is going to be filled with more adventure, more life lessons, and more light and faith than I would have had without this struggle.

I can't wait to see where He takes me next. I have great plans for the next year of my life. Buying a house with my best friend, backpacking across Oregon, traveling to Arizona, getting my passport, finding an amazing church in this new city I live in. And yet none of those things bring me as much excitement as waiting to see what He has planned for me in the next year of my life. I feel so blessed to have this new outlook towards life and towards infertility. Blessed because I know I have the opportunity to be an encouraging, positive, loving voice in the IF (Infertility) community.

Thank you guys for stopping by! I hope you enjoyed this fall photo session and maybe a tad bit of my perspective on my infertility and the journey to find my faith. These gorgeous photos were taken by the amazing Jessie of Schu's shoots. (She also took pictures of me and my pooch earlier this year, here.) Jessie is such a blast to work with, we always end up laughing and having lots of fun together! After doing a fun session together last fall, I knew she'd be the gal I'd go to for this lifestyle/portrait session :) She always let's me be my playful, silly self.

I'm linking up with the Hope Engaged monthly photo shoot link party today. Check it out and think about linking up with us next month! It's always a lot of fun planning and sharing each session and checking out what the other women shared.

Most bloggers love fall. I'm so glad that this year I get to join in and fully appreciate the beauty and peacefulness of this season. What does the fall season mean for you?

xoxo, Laura

My Faith & Prayer Journal

If you follow me on Instagram (#laurarahel) you already know I've been working on an awesome new project. I love writing and especially cute notebooks. During service every Sunday I usually take quick scribbled notes, then throughout the week reflect on the message, do some scripture reading and think about how I can apply the message to my life. Sunday service always leaves me feeling refreshed and at peace.

Well instead of continuing to scatter my notes throughout different notebooks, (I have tons and always grab which ever one is handy at the time) I decided that I wanted to create one specific place to focus on my faith and my relationship with God. One book to focus all of my faith related notes, prayers, and reminders. What I love about this idea is that I can always look back in one place if I need to be reminded of a particular message I'll know exactly where to find it.

Thus my Faith Journal was born. I thought about doing a mini project life album because I love the 3 ring binder layout. After looking around, I found this mini 3 ring album from Recollections at Michael's and knew that after I personalized it, it would be perfect! Here's a peak at the album when I bought it. It was a dark and dreary kraft color. Not at all reflective of my personality.

So I washi taped over the binding and used several coats of acrylic paint to makeover the front and back covers of the binder. I absolutely love this cover now. I knew I wanted some layers, so I used E6000 to add a glitter heart, paper flowers, a flair button and a give thanks sticker. I then wrote lyrics around the heart to complete the look. I knew I wanted it to be simple but lovely and completely reflective of myself. Mission, accomplished.

Here's my page from week #1 of using my journal. I reinforced the edge of the page with washi tape on both sides so the holes don't wear and tear. I embellished with an attempt at calligraphy and some stickers to note the date. I wrote some information directly on the page but also had a lot more notes I wanted to record from the sermon. For those notes, I made a pocket with some paper and washi tape on three sides. I put the quote from the focus verse on the outside of the pocket, then put my more extensive notes on a note card and inserted it into the pocket. I stapled a ribbon pull tab to the card for easy access in pulling them out and reading over them later.

I can make my own pages, hole punch them and add them in whenever I want. Plus it came with a ton of thick card stock pages already in the book that I can work on. I am so excited to use this binder on a daily basis! I think it's absolutely lovely and I am so thrilled about how it turned out! Side note- each week we focus on a few verses of scripture that the message is based around. I open up my bible, find my favorite and highlight. Next to the highlighted verse I write an abbreviation such as "wk.1." This way when I'm reading through my bible later, I'll know exactly what week to look at in my journal for the notes on that scripture.

I am in love with my new faith/prayer journal. So excited to embark on this new journey, to strengthen my relationship with God. To genuinely enjoy the word of God and spend my free time reading and rejoicing in it. Do you keep a prayer or faith journal?

I hope this inspires you to make your own! If it does please link in the comments so I can see your creativity :)

xoxo, Laura

Finding Peace

 

"If a train doesn't stop at your station, then it's not your train."

I'm finding a lot of peace of mind in this quote.

 

For so long, I've been stuggling with internal conflict.

 

I've been angry at my body. The dissapointment that my body cannot do what a woman's body is built to do. Why can't I get pregnant? Why can't I have a baby? Don't I deserve a baby? Why are other people blessed beyond measure with children they don't even want or plan for? Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I would be a terrible mother and that's why I can't have kids. Maybe I give myself way too much credit and I don't deserve children as much as I think. I have been blaming myself; feeling completely betrayed by my body. The inadequecy I felt toward myself and with my signicficant other was crushing.

 

------------------------------------------------------

 

Whenever in a serious relationship (and you live in infertility,) and your significant other talks about their desire to have children, your mind immediately replies "What if I can't give you that?"

 

When you live with unexplained female infertility, your significant other tries so hard to carefully navagate the emotional minefield that comes with infertility. Reassuring you that even if you can't have children together, he will never leave your side. Unfortunately, there is only so much he can do or say though.

 

Infertility is a desolate road. It makes you feel alienated. Alone. Undeserving. Even with the most supportive and encouraging spouce beside you, holding your hand and reassuring you, you often feel as though you are experiancing the heartbreak alone. Because it's your body that's broken. Your body that is shattering your dreams.

 

I've been so angry with myself for that. So angry with my body- for years.

 

And it's exhausting.

 

I needed a change. I needed something to give me hope. I needed to find peace with my diagnosis. At the reccommendation of a fellow "can't make babies" blogger, I bought an infertility meditation. I started listening to these calming words, these affirmations of love. I never knew the voice of a complete stranger could be so calming. There are four chapters in the meditation, one for visulizing fertility, another has affirmations of love, the third is a generalized destresser and the fourth one is specifically aimed towards healing your heart after failed attempts at having a child.

 

I skip over chapter one every time. I'm currently past that part of my journey along the road of infertilty. Maybe one day I'll use it, one day it'll bring me hope and happiness in visualizing pregnancy. But for now I listen to the last three chapters. Specifically chapter four. Healing.

 

Folks, I cannot tell you how many tears have been shed listening to this chapter. Being led to understand that my body is my oldest friend. It has done SO much for me. My body is my longest companion. We've been through so much together. And we will continue through a lifetime together.

 

It also speaks of validating your emotions. Coming to terms with all of your disspointment, anger, and frustration. Understanding that those emotions are okay. They are a part of your journey. That you should not discount them or allow other people to discount them. They need to be proccessed in order to be cast away. At one point during the meditation, it talks about feeling the prescence of an old friend or family member. A reassuring hand on your shoulder, silent, feeling everything you feel and not needing to say anything. Every time I feel the same person. My grandmother. I can feel her love. I can feel her strength. And I can feel her silence. It brings me so much comfort to feel that. I haven't felt her prescence since she passed eleven years ago. But I now know that if she were here, she would be that person for me. The one who didn't try to make me feel better. The one who didn't discount my emotions or the gravity of my condition. She would be the one who held me and let me cry. And I am so thankful to have found peace in some small way because of that.

 

"If a train doesn't stop at your station, then it's not your train."

 

Maybe all those people on the sidelines were right when they said it wasn't meant to be or it wasn't with the right person when I couldn't get pregnant before. That it'll happen eventually, one day, in God's timing. Or maybe they were all wrong. Maybe being a mother in that form isn't what I'm meant to do. Maybe God didn't intend that for me. Perhaps he's using this experiance to build me up, to make me stronger for a road much less traveled... I haven't figured it out yet. And that's okay. For now I'm at peace. It may only last a day, or a week, or a month, but I am finally at peace. My train will come eventually. And maybe it includes having a baby of my own. Or maybe it doesn't; but I know that whereever it takes me, it'll be wonderful. Because it'll be my journey.

 

 

The Help with Fertility Meditation was reccommended by Mara at A Blog About Love.